The Death Murder Burger Epic

Death Murder Burger of Doom

(an A&E Exclusive)

Some men are content to lead ordinary lives and do ordinary things. Some men can live with the fact that they’ve never done anything particularly interesting or of value to society.

Not these men.

These men are intrepid adventurers of the most courageous sort. These men are gastrointestinal marauders of the bravest sort.
Tonight on A&E you will see this squadron adrenaline hunting madmen on a macabre mission of meal-time malignancies.

Christopher "Danger" Brandon, Samuel "The Icepick" Janzen and Oliver "Corporal Crush" Baldwin embarked upon a mission that some might call "crazy." When we here at A&E asked the fearless squadron what this adventure would entail we were told that the intention of the outing was a simple one: to eat 4 animals at one time, in one sitting. Essentially in one burger type format. The Death Murder Burger.

The Death Murder Burger contains a quarter pounder patty, a McChicken patty, a Filet O’ Fish patty and bacon. (avec fromage) When asked about the mission and whether or not they were worried these dauntless souls were heard to reply, "Not really. We’re all quite hungry actually."

We asked them if they had first consulted a physician or at least a proctologist of some sort before beginning this baffling expedition into pseudo-gourmet gluttony, "Danger" Brandon stated, "I don’t believe in doctors. I think they’re some thing made up by your parents to scare you, like astronauts or politicians." We assured him that this was not the case but he would have none of it.

Arriving at the McDonald’s that had been chosen for this quest into the unknown, the moxie filled daredevils were surprised that this McDonald’s had no Death Murder burger on the menu. "Icepick" Janzen asked with a mild undertone of spurious rage if he could have a Death Murder burger combo. The weak and simpering employee merely trembled and dribbled slightly under the force of his tremendous gaze. She finally was able to squeak out that no, they did not have a death murder burger at this particular McDonald’s. To which "Icepick" Janzen replied, "No matter. I shall require a quarter pounder with cheese and bacon. A McChicken, a Filet O’ Fish, fries and a milkshake." "Danger" Brandon and "Corporal Crush" Baldwin had the same, merely replacing the milkshake with cokes.

After much deliberation and incompetence (some might even say incontinence) the weak willed and callow employees were finally able to muster up the strength to carry out their Death Murder Burgers. Through either fear or an intentional attempt to ruin their dangerous plans, the kitchen staff had forgotten to include bacon on every single Death Murder Burger, making them mere Murder Burgers.

Using considerable guile, perseverance and determination the danger squad was able to procure several slices of heavily salted pre-crooked processed pig meat in order to round out the Death Murder Burger.

The three Epicurean powerhouses sat and stared in awe and slavering delight at their masterful creations that squatted ominously on their light pink/peach trays. Four animals loaded into one bun of delicious fury. Beef; The noble Cow, brown and glistening with greasy cholesterol, waiting to harden the arteries. Bacon; nature’s delight, The Pig, salty and delicious in its water retentive glory. Chicken; also called Chickén cooked in 475 degree oil, lightly breaded. Fish, white and flaky, breaded and possibly contaminated with mercury and other poisonous minerals. This free- standing monstrous monolith of meat, strikes fear into the hearts of children and the faint of heart. These three were no less than the mightiest of Men, ready to demolish their Death Murder burgers and to do what very few men have ever done: eat four animals in one burger.

During this insane feat of massive mastication, women young and old would swoon both at their devastating good looks as well as their ravenous appetites. Weaker men would quake and cower, fearing these men who in comparison were like gods.

As the Danger Squad consumed their burgers girls would look on in disgust, unable to truly understand the intestinal fortitude and sheer will it takes to consume such a travesty of cuisine.
When it was all said (eaten) and done, all four animals, 3 buns, a medium fry and a milkshake/coke each later, we asked them how it was.
The consensus overall was:

"It was good. I’d eat it again."

~ f i n i s ~

- pictures to follow shortly -