Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Mystery Junk

Something you find in your pocket, purse, gutter, dumpster, etc. . . .
One sunny April morning I was casually rooting through my neighbor’s trash bins before the garbage man came. I had it down to an art form by this time. He hardly ever caught me anymore.
I came across something truly marvelous. A more interesting bit of refuse I had not seen in all my illustrious dumpster spelunking days. Even better than the time I liberated a months worth of groceries and a perfectly serviceable CD rack from a convenience store dumpster just around the corner. This object was so valuable to me for one reason, and one reason only.
It was a complete mystery.
I hadn’t a clue what it could possibly be. (As a side note I always use it as my item when playing 20 questions. It’s a show-stopper!) The object is no bigger than an ordinary breadbox and no smaller than a standard issue toaster. It has a three foot green chord extending from what I can only assume is it’s top.
You may ask, "Well if there’s a chord why don’t you plug it in and find out what it does?"
If I ever find my self in Romania or Uzbekistan I’ll give it a whirl. The green chord ends In a 5 pronged plug. 3 flat, 1 round and one (almost unsurprisingly) shaped like a parallelogram.
Radio Shack be damned.
Moving past the chord, which offers few clues, I enjoy its unusual texture. It has 6 of what I can only describe as protuberances. On the bottoms of the protuberances they’re rough as sandpaper. On the tops they’re smooth like crushed velvet. The main body is covered in a material that looks and acts very much like extra long shag carpeting, only there’s one major difference; it’s made of some sort of rubber.
To add to the confusion it has little rounded wheels on the ends of its three lower-most outcroppings. The kind of wheels that you might have on your luggage, you know the type that causes your luggage to swerve violently to the left when you’re in desperate need to go right.
As for the upper sticky-outey bits: one ends in the aforementioned chord and the other two have dangling springy slinky-like hangings that are festively adorned with some kind of plastic (?) jewels that sparkled so alluringly that day in the April morning sunlight.
For added effect when I shake it it has a sound like little bells tinkling around in a wool sock.
This object has remained, unsolved, on my kitchen table for 26 years. Never again did I explore my neighbors garbage. Well, not that neighbors anyway.